Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HIM: I love reading big novels.

ME: No kidding, so do I!

*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*

Meanwhile, in Facebook,

Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.

if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do

the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling

If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know

Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car

I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.

Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.

If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.

People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.

I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

*watches the world burn*

I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.

No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch

“Please let go of my hair”

-my gynaecologist

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?

[Inventor of scented candles]

What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.

*pronounces bondage like corsage.

“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.

Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.

I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.

584.

What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?

A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does