ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
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If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime