ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
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So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
This kid is going places
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Tapped in
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”