Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?

Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.

The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.

My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.

School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”

I am embarrassed for myself.

Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!

Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.

Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”

Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?

*the sky turns red and warm*

her: why is the cat so sparkly?

me: I think she looks fabulous.

her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?

me: you mean the glitter box?

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.

I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue

Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.

the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.

My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.

My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”

I’m locking my bedroom door tonight

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.

My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man

What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?

I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”

Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.

batter: *hits homer*

Simpson: ow

Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?

Boss: uh, working

Me: again?

Boss: …