Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
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I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now