Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
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“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
He refuses to bathe without the Melon
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
i really liked this one
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
