Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
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me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Miscakes
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
scares
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine