Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home

ME: how many points do I need for that

[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school

seminar…

Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*

“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”

– The AutocorrExorcist

Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.

Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?

*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”

Me: I’m tired

My brain: turn on the tv

Me: but I need sleep

My brain: go pay some bills

Me: I’m so exhausted

My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes

I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.

Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.

You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”

Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?

Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?

Hubs: Touché

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.

Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude

Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?

I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.

Please let me in.. 😂

Sound on

Netflix and Will…

…you stop trying to touch me?

I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*

If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.

Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”

Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.