Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat

[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?

[Me visiting US for the first time]

Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true

WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen

my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.

Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.

*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?

Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?

Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?

Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa

Me: I’m a vegan

I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp

ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired

There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years

i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here

Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.