Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.
Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.
It’s on my to-do list.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
