Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
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Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.