Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
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Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
SQUARREL
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…