Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
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I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Yup.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
This is what makes twitter great
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.