Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
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“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
choose your gary
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
I want this so bad
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening