Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine

My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.

I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.

If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.

I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”

“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”

My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.

[camping]

“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.

If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom

*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.

How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?

FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?

ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.

[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now

adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.

I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.

My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:

“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”

to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.

me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby

i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month

Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper

According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.

When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.

[waking up after a night of drinking]

Age 21: did i make out with someone

Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog

Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.

What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.