me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
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When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”