me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
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“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
😭😭
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?