me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
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The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Wikigenius
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.