me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
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Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
damn he’s good
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.