Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here

sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.

The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.

Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae

Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.

My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.

Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.

waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir

me: I’m not a giraffe

waiter: I know I’m just telling you

So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.

I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.

Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?

I used Michael Bay leaves.

I’ll leave.

Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.

When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.

What do you want him to do?

Fry yam?

You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.

ALIEN: What is “January”?

ME: That’s a month… named after a god

ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god

ME: Actually, he was a Roman

ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman

ME: Actually, that named after a number

ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10

ME: Actually, 8

ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit

Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?

Me: Because she agrees with me.

Also me, to me: Is he always like this?

Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?

8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”

Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.

Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.

It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.

Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me

[ First day as a bartender ]

Me: *unzips customers pants*

Him: wtf!?

Me: you said make it stiff

Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.