Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hello what’s your emergency?”

Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up

Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!

Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote

my name if I was in the mob

My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.

My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”

I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.

⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢

not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️

True embarrassment lies within your first email address

Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b

[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.

Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!

– RL partying sounds so violent

[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?

her: what do you want?

me: to pay for my sins

her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru

me: I mean to pay for my McSins

[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet

My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.

if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂

Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here

Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.

What if a woman was Nunchucks?

– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating

I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.

Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.

my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high

Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.

In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.

i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?

ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?

LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*

Air pods looking like an angry frog