Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.

This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”

So I killed him…

If he comes back…He wins the argument

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….

Flirting is easy!

Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.

me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made

him: oh no, did you overreact-

me: no, I just threw them out

him: oh

me: then I ate the tacos

him:

Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.

So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet

Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.

PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?

ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’

*priest slowly backs away*

“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.

Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.

Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out

Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

Communication during co-parenting is essential.

My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.

My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.

I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.

Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips

The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup

CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?

ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small

My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.

Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!

If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?

Travel bloggers during quarantine

I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..

11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house

I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!