Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
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*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
technique
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
@ candidates for local office
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t