Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece

People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?

My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.

im all 3

Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆

DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.

Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.

why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture

The picture:

waiter: how do you want your eggs?

me: yellow

sam: i’m telling you

I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.

That lamp looks PISSED.

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

Handing over my ID at the post office.

The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”

I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”

It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip

*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.

Who’s drunk

*raises leg

My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.

OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!

~ My dog every time I use a broom

What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?

comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.

Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.