Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
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*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?