Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
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Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong