Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.

What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.

What I actually buy in Aldi:

sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.

Me: How much for the snake hamster?

Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret

My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.

“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”

The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.

I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.

[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?

If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?

My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.

Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”

They must have gotten it to go.

I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME

Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?

(Entering heaven)

Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?

Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?

We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan

Is Dutch some sort of clown language

It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]

Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?

7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV

I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.