Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.

Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.

Husband: Great! What should we be?

Me: I meant me and the dog.

Husband: Of course you did.

There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you

[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]

[When I offer my kid a new food]

Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?

[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]

Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are

Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states

Him: yeah?

*steals his car*

I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.

Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.

Him: You know why.

Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*

How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.

POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!

ME: My parents never loved me.

POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!

ME: That makes way more sense.

science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them.

*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.

My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.

God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on

producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?

the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word

producer: sounds bad

the killers: its the greatest song ever written

@funTweeters

[in conference room]

Coworker: What time is it?

Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*

Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?

😂👽

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]

Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM