Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit

Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.

It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

When I play the kazoo, I play to win

I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”

1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up

religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious

*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag

In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.

I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers

I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.

The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.

90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.

The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.

The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.

Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel

OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here

Me: Coke please

Waiter: Is heroin okay?

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???

You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?

Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.

It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.

no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband