Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower

me, in shower: *jumping*

Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.

I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”

reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week

me: *vacuums a little faster*

If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.

serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”

At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.

Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.

5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-

Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.

5:

Me:

5: How much blood?

My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing

Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask

certified hallow’s eve classic

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows

There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃

Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-

Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-

[The Rock gets crushed]

-paper…

[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]

day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenser

day 4563: wahey! water dispenser

One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”

my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.

There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.

Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.

Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.

I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”