Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.

[After date, walking her to her door]

Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.

“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.

You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.

Xylophonist Shredding It

[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?

[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me

[god, creating ducks]

Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know

Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you

Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.

Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.

On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.

Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.

[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]

“I brought chicken”

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.

If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms

Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me

her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress

grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls

me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans

*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”

wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there

The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.

[titanic, 1912]

Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich

First mate: ICEBERG

Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave

If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot

I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.