Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.

If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.

I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.

What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?

*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*

ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!

This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.

[100 degree summer day]

me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza

people who love camping: ok, hear me out

The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.

“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you

I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work

When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”

Alarm: beep beep beep

Me: I respectfully decline.

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT

girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?

her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?

Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of

Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?

Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full

Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*

Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago

My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.

Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

Last Minute Gift Idea:

Chew with your mouth closed.

To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry

Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –