ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
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A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Whoops
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.