Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?

me:

It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.

public bathrooms: wash your hands

also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!

my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.

“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn

The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins

Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”

Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?

If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.

“Let’s call it a day.”

I don’t know what else you’d call it.

Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.

“Lets call it a turtle.”

See?

“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill

Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.

I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.

People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*

Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me

Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack

Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?

Passwords are more important than ever.

Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs

My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]

May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job

EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed

TRUMP: What op-ed?

EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?

Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.

hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??

I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things

І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir