Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
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If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
