Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
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I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
New favorite tiktok
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.