Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
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just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar