Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Catering service

The Blob: Bakery Beginning!

Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”

Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!

I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.

GUY: looks like your truck could use some work

ME [patting it]: indeed

GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?

*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]

I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.

Daddy can u get me a drink?

“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”

Fine *goes to fridge

“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”

Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”

Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”

*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”

Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.

Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?

Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing

Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it

Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.

Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.

cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)

If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.

😂

Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.

~inventor of cereal bags probably

I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

Orange is oranging 🟠

Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.

Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…

[rearranges letters]

“BIRAC UBOMA”

[audience gasps]

I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.

*Negative people trying to ruin my mood

*Me

Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia

Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA

Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-

Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA

Date: Ugh, please just take me home

Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.