Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.

Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.

if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there

[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!

*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*

every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.

I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.

[Riding carousel]

Her: um, we should move on

Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “

Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.

4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.

She told me newspapers are old school.

She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly never stood a chance.

I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”

being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.

The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever

Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this

Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people

Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.

I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”

If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.

My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.

Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.

-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.