Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
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My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.