Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.

You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.

When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.

[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”

Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:

My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”

[ explaining The Plan ]

jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs

god: look man, these ppl are idiots

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea

I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.

At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.

Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.

Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down

Me *reads the news out loud*

Spider *depressed* holy shit

jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.

[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.

Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?

And that was when I knew he was the one.

Them: What year is your car?

Me: It’s brown.

My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.

you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic

I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.

The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..

Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.

Voldemort: not cool