Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy

I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.

(before sex)

*sings national anthem

Clean sheet day!!

*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*

my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing

Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili

My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”

I like my women like I like my bugs…

In my bed 😬

*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*

M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.

I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed

My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.

ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon

Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.

Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?

Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.

*getting a deli sandwich*

person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?

me: yes

person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price

me: that’s ok I’m good

person: it’s FREE cheese tho

me: I don’t want that much cheese

person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE

A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.

Dating in your 50’s is great!

Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh

them: are you with someone or are you alone?

me: *winks* who’s asking?

them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.

Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill

Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”

*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*

*wakes up in Emergency*

I got soap in my shower beer again.

[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?

Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.

Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?

*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point