Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
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God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
this independent good boy don’t need no human
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Yeah. This was me today.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah