Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
You Might Also Like
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
You’ll be OK
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark