Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…

My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.

Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…

the saddest jazz hands ever

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.

Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest

Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?

I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.

Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.

Then I remembered pineapple .

“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me

I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

Creator of Etch A Sketch:

We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.

I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart

Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics

*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”

Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body

Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*

Jesus: what?

Judas: what?

there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u

(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.

my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp

Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?

That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.

That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea

A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.

[FIRST DATE]

Her: I’m a vegan

Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too