Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”

Parenting:

1st kid: Document their every move

2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time

Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi

Therapist: How are you feeling

Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂

Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces

Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.

5yo: Curious George is not a monkey

Me: yes he is

5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape

Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg

interviewer: describe your hero

me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room

Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.

bank account: $1400

me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints

Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.

I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.

[stranded on a desert island]

*finds a message in a bottle*

hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?

Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!

It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?

Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh

I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.

I’d like to schedule a disappointment.

mom: why is your room always so messy

me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die

My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: I’m not psychic, Craig

cop: my name is Greg

me: I work at Starbucks

Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?

Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.

[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die

me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks

veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer

“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”

My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?

The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.

My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.