me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
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She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?