Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me

KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time

“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you

Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.

“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

“Age is just a number”

…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account

Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance

WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother

me: (11 pm) 😴

me: (1 am) 😴

me: (3 am) 😴

me: (5 am) 😴

me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!

*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*

me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*

Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.

Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.

My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.

“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!

Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.

I don’t care how you season it, ham radios definitely taste more like radio than they do ham

My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.

5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

Well damn. Winter weather during the winter. What the hell is that all about?

Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.

I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.

sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.

[drive-thru at 2am]

Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!

Neighbor’s mailbox: …

That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.

Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire

dumbledore: you know what this spot needs

hogwarts gardener: rose bu-

dimbledore: a tree that kills students

hogwarts gardener: what

dumbledore: plant the death tree

[Next door dog barking]

Me: *inserts earpugs*

[Barking intensifies]

Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*

I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”