Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids

Me: it’ll be me

5yo: eh, probably not

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

[job interview]

What are your strengths?

Me: inventing special occasions.

Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*

(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm

Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?

Him: It’s five dollars.

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again

Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.

The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.

doctor: get ready to say “aaah”

me: why are we on the roof

The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies

Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.

Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.

They’re working together, we’re in trouble.

This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet

Her: oh my god i’m so wet

Me: have you tried putting it in rice?

Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.

Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!

4-year-old: Dad?

Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.

4:

Me:

4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?

Now I’m awake.

Dog: Time to take me out

Me: Ok

[5 minutes later]

Me: [calling dog to the front door]

Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]

My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning

My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.