Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, he would not have.

It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.

Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.

I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.

My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.

magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]

-911 Whats the emergency?

My wife is suffocating me

-Literally or figuratively sir?

Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?

“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up

Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!

*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!

To clean up or just move. This is the question.

*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.

Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?

cyclists

I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.

8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening

Me: you will inherit everything I own

Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”

Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”

Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.

Until you realize you live alone.

Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.

Live a little.

‘Hey look, hot dogs!’

Dogs: *blush* omg thanks

boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!

George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.

I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[Home Depot]

Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.

Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?

Me: No. It worked great

[fancy restaurant]

me: this has a fine oaky taste

sommelier: sir is eating the cork