Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.

KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.

You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.

Who the hell invented Bull Riding?

“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”

Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?

Me: Chloroform

Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.

“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.

[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”

*Daycare drop off*

4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.

*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????

*gets laser eye surgery*

“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”

I told you, that’s not what—

*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*

omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business

Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

I laughed at this way too hard.

*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*

I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.

brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”

(therapist voice)

Please, lie down on the shrouch.

The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone