Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion

Lassie, get help!

Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it

Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*

Me: Sweetie, you need to share

Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35

[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”

My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.

I’ve been drinking.

Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.

Camel dough

Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.

Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.

Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit

me: heh what else could it be

daughter: [leaves]

me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.

The weather: *reads my credit card bill*

When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work

-gestures to everything in the Garage-

Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!

Wife- YOU’RE a tool

Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?

A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌

An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.

Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.