Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me: it took him a couple bytes
You Might Also Like
I’m gonna covet you. I am gonna covet you so hard. I am gonna covet the holy living shit outta you.
Schools should teach kids how to balance a checkbook & basic car maintenance & how to hide a drinking problem. Regular life stuff ya know.
According to the NSA, most of my calls are me saying, “I forgot what you told me to pick up at the store.”
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Boss: Have you ever been fired?
Me: Depends on who you ask
B: If I ask your last employer?
Me: They’d say yes
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad