Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
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Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.