@KylePlantEmoji

Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?

Me:

Prof:

Me: it took him a couple bytes

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@johnbiehl

Me: this a rush song?

Bartender: yeah, you a fan?

Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*

@scorpicpanda

I’m gonna covet you. I am gonna covet you so hard. I am gonna covet the holy living shit outta you.

C’mere.

@Loli_Sug

Schools should teach kids how to balance a checkbook & basic car maintenance & how to hide a drinking problem. Regular life stuff ya know.

@kellysdf

According to the NSA, most of my calls are me saying, “I forgot what you told me to pick up at the store.”

@KeetPotato

cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”

@squirrel74wkgn

Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*

@500Riles

[Interview]

Boss: Have you ever been fired?

Me: Depends on who you ask

B: If I ask your last employer?

Me: They’d say yes

@Trillburne

couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day

@MomofTeen

I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.