Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me : I have changed my mind.

Wife : Hope the new one is working.

*Checks typos in the mail before sending*

*Checks again, to be sure*

*Clicks on Send*

*Goes to sent mails*

There’s a typo in the Subject

Zack Greinke stories are the best

Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.

I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.

You’re not meant to sit on them.

It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.

9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.

The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic

[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour

If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.

Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me

Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER

“FOUND ‘EM!”

Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.

I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting

Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.

[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]

When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’

It was a house fire.

News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”

They have hover bears?

jealous again

uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility

peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs

uncle ben (scared): ok.

Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.

Kids: Where?

Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.

Kids: WHERE!

Me: He’s picking up our car.

Kids: WHERE?!?

Me: He’s hurling us through the air.

Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!

KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.

I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.