Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.

There are two kinds of people.

Try not to be either one of them.

I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon

OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!

*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*

A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.

probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”

I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.

Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.

Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.

Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?

Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.

I’m 36 years old and I still look for someone older than me when an adult is needed

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?

Me: Can I have a Batmobile?

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?

Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.

Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.

Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?

Me: Not to you

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.

My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.

My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.

Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.

Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

girls don’t like boys who are punctual..

once this girl dumped me because i came early

Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?

ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.

MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!

I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.

5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.

і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches