Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Oceanography is all about current events
being human is disgusting sometimes but i don’t think i’d want to be a fish
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
gasoline
noun: mouthwash for dragons
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
