@jergarl

Me: I’m so tired I need to sleep.

Ambien: Here I’ll help… Hey don’t forget to take off your clothes and pretend that you’re snow!

Me: K

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@ArfMeasures

THERAPIST: What do you wish for?

WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things

ME: For the dog to talk

@FSUSteve

Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.

@chrisdowning

My dog’s food looks like Cocoa Puffs, but doesn’t taste like it.

@FeelingEuphoric

ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy

SATAN: holy shit

@StarWarsProblms

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

@ApocalypseBnG

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…

@Shwetangles

She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.

@Parkerlawyer

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.

@EJGomez

we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot

@KalvinMacleod

HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*