Me: I’m so tired I need to sleep.

Ambien: Here I’ll help… Hey don’t forget to take off your clothes and pretend that you’re snow!

Me: K

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THERAPIST: What do you wish for?

WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things

ME: For the dog to talk


Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.


My dog’s food looks like Cocoa Puffs, but doesn’t taste like it.


ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy

SATAN: holy shit


Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.


How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…


She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.


My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.


we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot


HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*