WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
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My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
File under excellent bookstore names.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
I don’t get marriage
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!