Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
You Might Also Like
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
God has abandoned us.
