Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
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Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Me too, bag. Me too….
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.