Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics

Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”

Now, ask me the question

Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again

In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days

everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.

BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.

Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.

Me: What’s your favorite fruit?

Son #2: Tacos.

Me: No, I said fruit.

S2: You have my answer.

The next wave of scammers will have old people call you

Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.

teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker

“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.

0/10 stars, would not recommend.”

– Super Mario Bros. Online review

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

me irl

Coach: Ice cream! My treat

Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?

Coach: My treat

hand it over!

Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.

Me: *nods in agreement

Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about

Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.

i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it

T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all

[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.

Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…

Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*