Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.

God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*

Adam: That’s a weird way to make people

God: Lol wait till you see how she does it

i’m so sick of this guy

wish me luck lads

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

Let me show you what this mouth can do..

[eats a cheeseburger]

I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.

Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.

When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.

Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.

I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it

Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.

I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.

This is my emotional support yacht 🎀

An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.

there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*

We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked

How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

Did…did a minotaur write this

[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY

me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe

girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao

*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*

*pays $47.00*

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals