Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.

being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me

Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.

Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens

Batman: You’re hired

there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old

TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir

You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.

Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.

I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.

Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right

Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught

My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!

I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.

Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?

God: Yes

Raccoon: Comical?

God: *chuckles* Yes

Raccoon: Would make a great pet?

God: Oh my yes

Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!

God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda

*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”

Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…

If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.

“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night

> what do you want to be when you grow up?

[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!

*fast forward 28 years*

> So you’re still fixing printers then?

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.

My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:

yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes

If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.

I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.

I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]

12: No, you shut up!

14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!

Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*

I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.

cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.

me: why?

cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.

friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally