Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.

I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?

Encore…

You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!

Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.

Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*

[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed

[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”

I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.

Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django

Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.

There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.

nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.

If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.

Barber: How do you want it?

Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”

Angel: We’re out of human heads.

God: “Hand me a pineapple.”

The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.

SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*

THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.

You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.

Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.

This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒

*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*

Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up

Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.

Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.

Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.