Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
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“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head