Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
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My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4