Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.

They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.

Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.

Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]

Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!

Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*

Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous

In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.

Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”

My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills

It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.

Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”

Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”

Me: “Pretty cool, right?”

Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.

My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.

What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*

I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.

Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.

2….

That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.