Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on my deathbed]

“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”

*dies*

Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted

Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard

I hate people who make grandma mistakes.

“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”

*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*

I know what I said.

In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.

The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.

*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*

a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..

😜

I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.

Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.

It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life

Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle

A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.

ME: where’s Jim

GUY: your guess is as good as mi—

ME: the moon

GUY: ok no

[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]

*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?

If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened

1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am

2: you died

spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining

Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.

3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*

My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.

I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.

Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.

[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?

While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.

I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores

Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!

Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!

I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks