Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.

If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.

Person: Home decor is a niche market.

Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.

[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”

Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude

Me: *buys anything at the store*

Wife: Was it on sale?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use a coupon?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use your discount card?

Me: Oops.

Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.

“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”

– my neighbor

[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific

Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.

[the afterlife]

Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!

Angel: *chuckling*

Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”

[funeral home]

DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.

Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.

6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge

me: what is it

6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday

me: how are you going to do that

6yo:

me:

6yo: no idea

How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?

Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.

Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it

[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes

DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now

Truly one of the great bangers

Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”

a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself

“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]

i’ve had too much coffee

~ amateurs

My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.