me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
You Might Also Like
guys i’ve cracked the code
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:
a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.
If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon