Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”

-cheapskates

OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.

I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do

COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis

I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy

I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.

[ 9 months BC ]

Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”

WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?

ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well

ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass

HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?

mariah carrie

If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.

Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.

when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan

Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart

My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house

…without stopping.

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long

“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.

[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

[Quarantine, Day 5]

Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long

My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:

going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people

My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.

Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.

Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone

ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?

ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.

sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad

Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out

According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt

Facebook marketplace is a different world