Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”

Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it

i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”

*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*

classic mixup

guy: [drinking a coke]

me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body

FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.

*ransom note on gun*

[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]

[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]

We avoided this particular disaster

Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget

The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER

How I like cutting carbs

God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.

Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.

“You have too much stuff”

– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house

me: [getting murdered]

murderer: [murdering]

murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?

murderer: unbelievable

Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it

Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.

GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM

If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.

[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis

There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will

New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”

I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.

What can I say, I really loves them big feet.

babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp