Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”

– Worst ER doc

My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.

My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants

Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.

Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.

ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.

People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.

“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body

The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.

*husband and I arguing*

Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!

son: can I ask you a random question?

me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?

Fries, not lies.

My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭

If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one

Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.

CEO: Dang it. That means-

Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.

People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.

I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.

Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.

I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.

Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.

Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.

Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???

Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook

I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.