Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous
Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies
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3% human
97% stress
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Breaking news:
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.